Waiting to go on a mission is actually a lot more difficult than I could have ever imagined.
For those of you who don't know I decided not to go to school for the for the the one semester alotted before going on my mission. I knew that there was a chance to leave for my mission before the first sememster of my freshman year in college would have ended, so I opted out of going to school for that one semester (the sooner to leave the sooner to get back.) Then the hard stuff began. I temporarly moved to Florida for about 2 months in hopes to get some work with an agency out there, unfortunatly I left early of a couple different reasons. I loved it there though. So I came back to NC and I was at square one, working at T.J. Maxx -still part time- and if I wasn't at work i'd be at home slowly becoming OBESE! With time, my mind began to wonder about life, I started having doubts on if this mission to Africa was really the right thing for me? I mean i gave up a contact with an agency in LA, LA being the top of the food chain in the acting world, I gave up school for 2 years just to come back as a 21 year old freshman, friends, life! Or so it would seem. I continued to get nervous began to mentally and spiritually rebel. I was having a really hard time and felt like no one could help me with it. I was so emotional about everything, I lost trust in everyone. I felt like no one could really side with me or know what i was going through. Soon I started going out on teams with the missionarys. This helped. Just to know that there were guys out on there missions that had, somewhat, felt and/or feel the way I did really helped. I suggest it to all. They are so young and smart that that too made me nevous. How could I become as high up on the spiritual totum poll as they are?
Recently I had went to a bon-fire to hang out with some friends while they were home from Christmas break. It was actually a bit hard. Some of them seemed so immuture to me. not saying that I am so above them, but it seems like they were more interested in worldly things and temporary pleasures than anything else. (And for those reading who are not members of my church, don't think I hold you any lower than any of my church friends because I have high expectations for you as well)
Sometimes i feel like no matter where I go I will never find elysium (a place or condition of ideal happiness)
I know this sound so depressing but I know in my heart this is the right thing to do. I am so excited to help the people of Ghana really know the power of our Heavenly Father. I have a hard time truly epressing how I feel when people ask so writing it helps alot. Even still im not being as complete as I would like to be but its important to me that I have this to look back on. Who knows maybe someone feels the same way...
